How to start writing your own family's story of success.
Breaking free of external validation and other people's expectations (ahhh, big words to express inner peace!).
In our last conversation (post? blog? newsletter?) with you, we wondered how we know if we’re doing it “right” - this whole parenting kids who feel different thing.
Like, what’s the new story of parenting success if we’re casting aside the old scripts?
Ask any writer and they’ll tell you it’s terrifying to stare at a blank page - where do we even begin?
As recovering Type A parents of kids who feel different, here’s what we found: it helps to start with looking inward, to interrogate the difference between the values we *thought* we had, and the values we actually have.
Is nagging my kid to get straight-As to get into a top four-year college really what’s best for my child?
Is living in a four-bedroom house or getting a condo in an expensive city, a necessity for a good life?
Does my teen, who thrives when caring for animals, HAVE to get a bank job?
Kids who feel different already feel the pressure from society that they aren’t quite good enough or don’t quite fit in.
The real question: Does it help them or hurt them more if the people who are meant to love, accept, and protect them add to that pressure?
Science shows that partnership and support better help our kids thrive than those old, controlling, fear-based Type-A models. When we take the time to step back, reflect, and articulate our true values - like acceptance, joy, and authenticity - we build a family culture that feels a lot more like peace.
So how do we figure out what our values are?
There are tons of ways to do it.
You can go to a website - like personalvalu.es - and have a computer help you pressure-test your real vs perceived values.
You can print out a list - like this one from the University of Utah - and go through the process.
To take it a step further (and we personally love this one), have everyone in your family take the Values In Action (VIA) character strengths survey. They have a kids version for those over age 10. You’ll be given tips on how to play on everybody’s strengths, which provides a boost for our wellbeing.
The important thing is to start exploring and drafting your barometers for success. Knowing, articulating, and sharing your values as a family is a great place to start shifting your home culture from one that is more tension-filled to one that feels more peaceful, joyful, and loving.
For bonus points (we love the gold stars, too):
Have a family meeting to share values, and create some way to visually display your values in your shared space so everyone can see them!
Really? Make these values visible? Yes really. You can go to a store and buy a pre-fab canvas (like Sara did) or get it custom-made, whether you hand-write a huge sticky note or use a dry-erase marker to draft reminders on their mirrors. One family put their key values on a mug for every family member as an everyday reminder.
Whether you start inserting a catchphrase (“The Hardings love adventure!”) at random points in your week or over dinner when something they share reflects a family value, it’s wonderful to be clear about what your family stands for, as it helps foster a sense of belonging for all members of the family.
You’ll be thrilled when your children find themselves in a tricky situation, and refer back to your family values and make a choice that lines up.
It’ll feel a little bit more like you’re on top of your parenting game as you begin writing your own script designed for your unique family.
Focusing on our shared values has changed so much for our family and helps clarify decisions. We've posted them on the stairs as a daily visual reminder of how we aim to show up in the world and with each other.